meheheheheeheee. barrrrg
trying to find which songs i want to download from emusic.com today. Hrrrm. listening to some some Scorn, I haven't listened to yet.
Guess i should get that cd player in my car soon so I can have musix. ahhh I just realized, I won't have music in my car on my way down to Santa Cruz today. wahhhh.. Well hey actually this Scorn sounds pretty good actually...! hrrrm. Also I've enjoyed some Empusae lately.
Sipping green tea, woke up naturally around 8am this morning which was nice. Currently deciding on whether I'll spend the first part of the day working on sewing cockblocks, or whether I'll drive down the coast, chilling out and relaxing and all that goodstuff, since I worked hard all day yesterday.
Yeah, I think I will download Ritual Decay by Empusae, and Refuse; Start Fires by Scorn...
Would be cool to have some spending money. Here's to asking the Universe for abundance.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
wahhh.. car dramaz, clubbin, roommates and dreams
Wah. Last night went out to Death Guild, hadn't been there in a while, plus it was Intoner night, and I wanted to hear all the good music n stuff. Soooo I got ready, went out, danced a while but never really fully got into the dancing or the music. I felt a little off last night to begin with... not too horrible or anything but just kinda weird. Like something was missing. Maybe someONE... hmm...
Anyhow I tried dancing but felt a little gangly and awkward. I just can't seem to recapture that feeling I used to get when dancing at the club back at the Glas Kat. That really free, animalistic, primal stompy euphoric dancing that I used to be able to do at the Glas Kat has somehow been altered since Death Guild moved. I know, it's cliche to complain about the location change of DG. But, it's true... for me at least. Harder to get my groove on there. The dance floor is annoying because there are people walking through the back part of it, and the lights are a bit on the bright side, which makes me feel more self-conscious. The only "safe" area to dance, I feel, is up against the wall with mirrors on it. Anyway wow, I didn't mean to get so detailed about this topic. Superficial really...
So, I talked with friends which was good. The best part of the night I guess was talking to friends, and hanging out outside the club after it for a while talking. Otherwise it was just awkward. So I finally departed toward my car and I had a sinking feeling as I approached it. Something was different about it, and I knew someone had broken in. I walked up and sure enough, I almost didn't want to look... but the window was smashed and the dashboard smashed up too and lo... my car stereo missing. This is the second time this year this has happened. I just started tearing up and texted a few friends, who came to hang out with me for a minute before I went home, freezin' my face as I drove down the highway at a mild and cautious 60 mph.
When I pulled up to my house I realized there was absolutely no parking my street so I had to park a bit away from the house and walk to my house in my freezing little scanty outfit I'd worn to the club (my bad, lol). Ugh, all in all it could have been worse but it just kinda put a bit of a damper on me for a while. I couldn't sleep in because the thoughts were swirling in my mind about how to deal with the situation properly. Today I called the good people at In & Out Auto Glass and they came to my house for free, and repaired it in about 30 minutes for $130.
On another car-related note, one of my tires seems to have a slow leak (again). Maybe the patch they put on it isn't working... maybe I drive down to Santa Cruz too much! ;) But I can't *not* drive down to Santa Cruz!! I has a wonderful MANcreature down there that I can't seem to pry myself away from...
Sigh... speaking of that, it was funny last night, attempting to explain why the status on Facebook had changed between James and I. People are confused I think. (ehhh I never know what's going on with me either, so don't feel alone if you're totally lost as to wtf I'm doing with myself)
All my roomies are back home safe n sound n dusty from the Playa. No one had anything amazingly miraculously crazy to report but they had fun. It's going to be... interesting... to have all 3 of us around the house more now, since X got laid off from LucasArts. (It's a good thing for him, he was expecting it and is going to enjoy some time off traveling and whatnot, but still, 3 work from home/unemployed/partly employed roommates might make for a crowded household I'm afraid...) :/
Feels like bedtime already. Didn't sleep enough. Going to bed early tonight I hope. Last night I had a nightmare that I was growing obese because of drinking so much beer. Maybe this is a sign. :o
Anyhow I tried dancing but felt a little gangly and awkward. I just can't seem to recapture that feeling I used to get when dancing at the club back at the Glas Kat. That really free, animalistic, primal stompy euphoric dancing that I used to be able to do at the Glas Kat has somehow been altered since Death Guild moved. I know, it's cliche to complain about the location change of DG. But, it's true... for me at least. Harder to get my groove on there. The dance floor is annoying because there are people walking through the back part of it, and the lights are a bit on the bright side, which makes me feel more self-conscious. The only "safe" area to dance, I feel, is up against the wall with mirrors on it. Anyway wow, I didn't mean to get so detailed about this topic. Superficial really...
So, I talked with friends which was good. The best part of the night I guess was talking to friends, and hanging out outside the club after it for a while talking. Otherwise it was just awkward. So I finally departed toward my car and I had a sinking feeling as I approached it. Something was different about it, and I knew someone had broken in. I walked up and sure enough, I almost didn't want to look... but the window was smashed and the dashboard smashed up too and lo... my car stereo missing. This is the second time this year this has happened. I just started tearing up and texted a few friends, who came to hang out with me for a minute before I went home, freezin' my face as I drove down the highway at a mild and cautious 60 mph.
When I pulled up to my house I realized there was absolutely no parking my street so I had to park a bit away from the house and walk to my house in my freezing little scanty outfit I'd worn to the club (my bad, lol). Ugh, all in all it could have been worse but it just kinda put a bit of a damper on me for a while. I couldn't sleep in because the thoughts were swirling in my mind about how to deal with the situation properly. Today I called the good people at In & Out Auto Glass and they came to my house for free, and repaired it in about 30 minutes for $130.
On another car-related note, one of my tires seems to have a slow leak (again). Maybe the patch they put on it isn't working... maybe I drive down to Santa Cruz too much! ;) But I can't *not* drive down to Santa Cruz!! I has a wonderful MANcreature down there that I can't seem to pry myself away from...Sigh... speaking of that, it was funny last night, attempting to explain why the status on Facebook had changed between James and I. People are confused I think. (ehhh I never know what's going on with me either, so don't feel alone if you're totally lost as to wtf I'm doing with myself)
All my roomies are back home safe n sound n dusty from the Playa. No one had anything amazingly miraculously crazy to report but they had fun. It's going to be... interesting... to have all 3 of us around the house more now, since X got laid off from LucasArts. (It's a good thing for him, he was expecting it and is going to enjoy some time off traveling and whatnot, but still, 3 work from home/unemployed/partly employed roommates might make for a crowded household I'm afraid...) :/
Feels like bedtime already. Didn't sleep enough. Going to bed early tonight I hope. Last night I had a nightmare that I was growing obese because of drinking so much beer. Maybe this is a sign. :o
Sunday, September 5, 2010
morning... idealism, despair, and breakfast.
We're going out to breakfast... looking forward to a tasty breakfast burrito. Feelings are mixed this morning. Not too hot, not too cold... somewhere in the middle. A little disappointed to be heading back to SF so soon after journeying down. Ah well. There's a chance I'll seek out the company of friends in Santa Cruz today. In fact, let me post something on FB... and see if I get any response... or maybe stop by and say hi to friends in SJ.
Everything feels up in the air.
I like to feel grounded. I like to have a clear understanding of what is. I guess that's unrealistic. I've noticed myself gravitating toward black & white thinking, in my life.
I've been realizing lately what an idealist I am. I dream up worlds that are "perfect" in my mind... and that is beautiful and blissful but also saddens me when I realize that those things seem so unattainable. I can feel such despair when I think about how the "real world" isn't matching up to my dreamworld.
I am not meaning to whine ---- I mean, I know the key to life is enjoying what you already have, what you already are and what already surrounds you. But there is that idealist side of me that is just not satisfied at mediocrity. Not satisfied with living a life that isn't completely beautiful and awesome and transcendent. My feelings on this vacillate, though... at times I *do* feel joyous and amazing and light. Other times I feel awful and stilted, stifled and stuck. All those st-words.
Ok enough talk, going to go get breakfast...
Everything feels up in the air.
I like to feel grounded. I like to have a clear understanding of what is. I guess that's unrealistic. I've noticed myself gravitating toward black & white thinking, in my life.
I've been realizing lately what an idealist I am. I dream up worlds that are "perfect" in my mind... and that is beautiful and blissful but also saddens me when I realize that those things seem so unattainable. I can feel such despair when I think about how the "real world" isn't matching up to my dreamworld.
I am not meaning to whine ---- I mean, I know the key to life is enjoying what you already have, what you already are and what already surrounds you. But there is that idealist side of me that is just not satisfied at mediocrity. Not satisfied with living a life that isn't completely beautiful and awesome and transcendent. My feelings on this vacillate, though... at times I *do* feel joyous and amazing and light. Other times I feel awful and stilted, stifled and stuck. All those st-words.
Ok enough talk, going to go get breakfast...
watching the burn, from afar. and thinking about the cardioid
Up late, watching a tiny slice of Burning Man from my computer. Strange thing it is, to be able to watch from the comfort of a warm safe house, after having been in the midst of it in years past. The things that stand out in my memory about going to Burning Man in years past during the Saturday night 'actual burning of the man' are: standing near the exhaust of a big bus that was running in order to keep warm. Throngs of people crowded around the man crying out, gasping and then screaming whenever a huge chunk of the man fell down or burst into fresh flame. It's been a few years... maybe next year I will go. We shall see.
So I'm sitting here in James' office. He fell asleep a bit ago after we watched some Red Dwarf, drank some tasty beer & ate dark chocolate. We got into bed and had a pretty intense talk about a lot of serious things (not relationship stuff, just life stuff, hard experiences, feelings, etc)... so I'm a little wired and awake after all that. Mind still running, processing. I really felt the need for more closure to the conversation. Some kind of solution to it all, some reassurance that "yes, everything will be okay." I'm realizing more and more... that kind of reassurance needs to come from the inside. From me. It's like in therapy, when I mourn the fact that I don't have this or that. Or that I wasn't taught a certain thing or treated a certain way. It all has to come from inside now. I have to treat myself. Teach myself. Allow my inner wisdom to emerge. Parent myself. Comfort myself...
One of my favorite heartfelt phrases/emotions to hear from another human being is, "Everything is going to be okay. No matter what." I love hearing that. Another favorite is, "You are perfect, just the way you are. Right here, right now. In this moment. You are complete."
I suppose I should repeat those to myself more often. (And watch Mr. Rogers more? I love Mr. Rogers.)
Do you know what a cardioid is? It's a shape. It looks sort of like a heart... or a peach... or a butt.
So I'm sitting here in James' office. He fell asleep a bit ago after we watched some Red Dwarf, drank some tasty beer & ate dark chocolate. We got into bed and had a pretty intense talk about a lot of serious things (not relationship stuff, just life stuff, hard experiences, feelings, etc)... so I'm a little wired and awake after all that. Mind still running, processing. I really felt the need for more closure to the conversation. Some kind of solution to it all, some reassurance that "yes, everything will be okay." I'm realizing more and more... that kind of reassurance needs to come from the inside. From me. It's like in therapy, when I mourn the fact that I don't have this or that. Or that I wasn't taught a certain thing or treated a certain way. It all has to come from inside now. I have to treat myself. Teach myself. Allow my inner wisdom to emerge. Parent myself. Comfort myself...
One of my favorite heartfelt phrases/emotions to hear from another human being is, "Everything is going to be okay. No matter what." I love hearing that. Another favorite is, "You are perfect, just the way you are. Right here, right now. In this moment. You are complete."
I suppose I should repeat those to myself more often. (And watch Mr. Rogers more? I love Mr. Rogers.)
Do you know what a cardioid is? It's a shape. It looks sort of like a heart... or a peach... or a butt.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
it begins...
Okay. I haven't had a real blog in a long long time. Actually, the only blogs I've had have been incorporated within tribe and myspace, so this will be new to me. I don't want to be a part of the whole LiveJournal thing really. This will be a place for me to write what's on my mind freely, and whoever wants to read it can, and it won't be forced in anyone's face via social networking and crap... (at least, not very often! lol) soooo... off we go. XD
The latest news is my cat Cecil is doing much better. He was soooo sick and after giving him antibiotics he's healing up rather nicely, I am pleased about this.
Heading down to James' this evening... he's been busy. I am suspiciously UN-busy somehow lately. I feel like I should be doing things, I have a bunch of projects on the "back burner" right now. I have two books I am planning to write, I have cockblocks to sew before October 15th, I have a few plush designs I plan on making, and some clothing stuff too. I just cannot seem to motivate right now. I feel like a stick in the mud when it comes to getting OUT of my bedroom and INTO my work area. My work area is in the kitchen sort of, so it's a little distracting.
So here I sit like a bump on a log, making a blog instead of getting 'real work' done. Sigh sigh. Well I should rest anyhow, I have had a sort of emotional last couple of weeks. Still a bit confused. Such a mixture of emotions. (as always...). It really is interesting and difficult, being a woman filled with various hormones that kick in and fade out at different times. It makes decision-making chaotic and inconsistent, I feel. Not to mention how emotions change depending on the time of month, moon phases, weather, physical activity level, and what we eat! DUDE. Too much!!!
:P
Kay that's it fer now. I plan on writing fairly often, but we shall see. I have a lot of randomness I need to get out on "paper." I do have a physical, hand-written journal but typing is faster... and more share-able... of course this being a journal on the internetz, I'm surely holding back some major things. Which kinda sucks. But... it is what it is.
xo
The latest news is my cat Cecil is doing much better. He was soooo sick and after giving him antibiotics he's healing up rather nicely, I am pleased about this.
Heading down to James' this evening... he's been busy. I am suspiciously UN-busy somehow lately. I feel like I should be doing things, I have a bunch of projects on the "back burner" right now. I have two books I am planning to write, I have cockblocks to sew before October 15th, I have a few plush designs I plan on making, and some clothing stuff too. I just cannot seem to motivate right now. I feel like a stick in the mud when it comes to getting OUT of my bedroom and INTO my work area. My work area is in the kitchen sort of, so it's a little distracting.
So here I sit like a bump on a log, making a blog instead of getting 'real work' done. Sigh sigh. Well I should rest anyhow, I have had a sort of emotional last couple of weeks. Still a bit confused. Such a mixture of emotions. (as always...). It really is interesting and difficult, being a woman filled with various hormones that kick in and fade out at different times. It makes decision-making chaotic and inconsistent, I feel. Not to mention how emotions change depending on the time of month, moon phases, weather, physical activity level, and what we eat! DUDE. Too much!!!
:P
Kay that's it fer now. I plan on writing fairly often, but we shall see. I have a lot of randomness I need to get out on "paper." I do have a physical, hand-written journal but typing is faster... and more share-able... of course this being a journal on the internetz, I'm surely holding back some major things. Which kinda sucks. But... it is what it is.
xo
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